-Spoiler.. it’s going to be depressing-
I am confused on where to start, as our mind’s power boggles us, so many different options to start from and so many endings to choose, so I am gonna blabber my mind out of this post, no structure no pattern, just plain old rant. I was depressed, and everyone has their own way to run away from the beast.. or more like the person inside of you.. Mine was keeping my mind going, keep giving it things to compute so there is no time to think about being sad? to think about being empty or abandoned and to feel left out or to feel being taken granted for? so many pessimistic questions and so much self-pity.. I dont want that, my story is not the worst of things that can happen to people in life, my story wasn’t the best either, so as im nobody to judge anybody else.. I guess in the same way nobody can judge mine..
Put your legs in someone else’s shoes and you will feel what they are going through everyday. I always wonder, its been 2 years since I have kept my mind busy, lots of planning dreaming and keeping it focused every second of time to plan every other second giving it no space for any other bullshit, what if I stop? would I go crazy? Would the suicidal urges come back? if they do.. Would I be able to avoid them? Can I really still handle myself? Cause its been 2 years.. I know.. everything pessimistic and self loathe that i kept shut behind a door, for 2 years is gonna come like a flood at me, Can I even face it? and if Not.. When I start losing myself and slowly walking towards the gate of death, to open it and to be free from this continuous cycle of being useless and trying to be not. Would there be anyone who would stand by my side and say.. Hi, I am with you, you wont go through it alone.. I guess not.. its easy to say, Dont die, its not the right thing to do, there are better things, people change, people move on, give yourself a chance etc.. but its difficult to stand behind or beside or even infront of me to face those tides of frustration and depression and self loathe.. its irritating, I will be irritating, I have so much kept inside of me that I can write entire encyclopedia on every emotion that I have kept suppressed, I am not able to love truly or feel sad truly.. I feel left out I feel like I am being just trouble to people.. and somehow the planning helps, even though I am emotionless and havent had fun in.. .. a pretty long time. I am alive, I dont want to be a burden to people when I am dead.. but is this life, I am living worth living? I dont value it, I dont think anyone else will value it either. I am lost.. there is no gate opening for me, as the one that I closed forcefully, the noises wont let me go far. I am lost, in my own existence, for me this is the saddest I can be. saddest I ever was. Days Piled up, Failures watching my back for a chance to stab. I feel alone, I feel cold. I want to feel empty, but its never empty, the thoughts always haunt me, when I dont plan. and whenever I start planning I can feel losing myself, my essence and what I could be or am or want to be… Should I die…?